reality. sucks.

if it wasn't my bestfriend's visit, then i wouldn't know how to describe happy-ness anymore these days. averagely my mood has flown following the dollar chart, or even worse if i was really to say. one moment i was over cloud nine, the others i was drowned deeply into the sea. pardon me if you readers have to put up with my gloomy mood all the time, because that's how i planned my blog from the very beginning; the place where i trash my glooms, and if readers find it interesting to read, then proceed, if don't, it's better.

lately i've been hearing songs about finding those that you really embrace in life, and honestly i can't really turn around and see and catch anything and that often lets me feel so lost and so much in despair. am i that lonesome? am i that awkward? or is it just me?

i am not living in my world, there are so many interruptions that i can't avoid, there are so many desperation that i couldn't shield, and there are simply too many "i don't know"s that i find in myself. i don't even know who i am anymore. i am so tired living under someone's shoulder, like a pond's scum that that someone can randomly spit on, because i'd always been that up-to-up person. this is no longer what i want if i look carefully into my heart.

i find it exhausting to contemplate about life and perception and principles and whatnots, because in the end we can't really change the world, what we ought to do instead is to change ourselves, fuck it. that sounds selfish alright.

i admit that lately i have been sucha good 'liar' of myself and a good antisocialist at the same time, just because i find those peaceful for my life. or it's actually more like the best contemporary remedy for the soul.

i started reading spiritual book 2 days ago and truthfully i really find it useful. my soul is enlightened bit by bit as i flip through the pages.

oh btw dudette just went back from her one day holiday at genting yesterday. i felt so much on my holy-day while i was there. i felt so lifted. =D tomorrow i'm hitting malacca. hope it'd be just as fun though i know it won't :P but lets hope for some good shit happen alright.