Trash.

Alone I am inside this home. A home? Am i supposed to call it home? I guess I've never been able to call anywhere a 'home' beside my own home back in Indonesia. First prime reason being is I'm not living in a home bought by my dad or my husband (in case I have a husband already) or myself. I pay to rent for this house and if I get anything damaged, I'll be charged. Do u get charged in your home? No. So.

Second reason being, I don't feel safe whenever I come to this home. I mean I don't always feel safe and secured. Sometimes there are fear. Sometimes there are hatred. Sometimes there are just the feeling of I-want-to-go-anywhere-I-just-don't-want-to-stay-here. Have my reasons supported my opinion?

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Friends. I have loads. But there are only 3 that I can really count on. Man, it can be counted with not even more than the fingers on my hand! But I am not ashamed. I have them through my ups and downs and being with them is just like sleeping on my childhood pillow that I've brought since I was born. They know me even before I start to talk. They can jumble up thoughts for me and make me feel fine in the end. I don't need anything but only them when I'm in trouble. But I'm far from any of them in the case of distance (well, not exactly for one presently, but will be in the count of 2 months). Distance doesn't kill though. We make full use of the SMS technology (we don't call each other or we'll cry over the phone and ruin the phone) and also the MSN technology. Oh thanks founders! Of course it has not always been a smooth friendship between they and me, but somewhere along the way we patched up and befriended.

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I often wonder what my turning point actually is when I lose my direction. Is it you? Is it they? Is it 'they'? Is it us? Is it it? Is it there? Is it who? Is it ______?

I don't know. Humans are unpredictable. Life itself is unpredictable. And the most ironic fact is, the person you love the most holds the best position to hurt you. I never believed in selfishness, hatred, anger, revenge, coldness. I thought they were just words that carried negative meanings until I felt it myself. For few months I was drop, buried myself into the pillow, locked myself in the loo and cried for no reason for 1 hour+.

Now I think I really should let go all those negative yins once and for all or I'll not be able to live anymore.

Live, in the sense of living a life to the max.